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I have always loved Linkin Park! Not only is their music catchy, but it’s filled with meaning that connects to the angsty depressed part of my psyche. My favorite song by them is Crawling. Check out a few of the lyrics:

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling. I can’t seem…

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure

-Crawling by Linkin Park

Those words sum up my life: my confidence is shot, I feel utterly consumed with my problems and out of control, life is closing in on me, and worst of all, my childhood wounds have been ripped wide open and I can’t get the emotional bleeding to stop.

Tomorrow is my rape-iversarry. I was raped twice this summer. The first time was on August 19, 2014. The second time was exactly one month later, on September 19, 2014. Something that feels like it could only happen to me.

So now, thanks to those 2 assholes, the 19th of every month is especially difficult. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over it. In October, I was weepy. I spent the day crying in bed, missing my man. This month, I see my new therapist first thing in the morning. Then I have to go get my x-rays done on my back. So no pity party for me until the afternoon. Lol

I don’t even know that I want a pity party. I had a small junk food binge this afternoon/evening and I feel gross inside. But other than physically feeling sick, I don’t feel anything else. I know that I’m hurting but it’s like my emotional pain center has shut down, leaving me numb.

And honestly, after all the crying of the last few months, numbness is almost a relief. A few extra pills to prolong the feeling won’t hurt. I just want to feel free as a bird without misery weighing me down. I can’t get off the ground. Just a few extra pills to get through tomorrow. I don’t want to feel anything.

Believe me, I understand the danger of the above statements. I’ve taken my sister to the hospital because she ingested more meds than her body could handle in an attempt to numb out. But I do know what I’m doing and I have me and my intake under control. Please don’t misunderstand my above comments and think that I am condoning the misuse of prescription medications. I was simply expressing my desire to numb out. I never said that it was okay for me (or you) to misuse medication to achieve that goal. Although, to be completely honest, that’s exactly what I plan to do.

What can I say? I’m only human. And the only way for me to survive tomorrow is to be as numb as possible.