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That’s the real question.

Since I started on meds again a few weeks ago, I’ve been crying less, feeling a little bit better, and I even had a good day last week that didn’t involve my man.

So why does that make me feel like I want to stop taking all my meds immediately?

Why don’t I want to get better? Why do I feel like I deserve to cry my days away instead of experiencing those fleeting moments of happiness? Why do I still want to die?

Not wanting to get better lets me know that my head is so much more fucked up than I thought. I’m really, really sick.

I’m not okay and I don’t know what to do about it.

I know that I need to keep taking my meds, especially since I’m feeling this way. I have no plans to stop taking my meds or to get rid of them. But this blog is about honesty and my real feelings. I’m not going to hold back. So you’re going to get to hear the good and the bad.

And then there’s the guilt. How can I honestly say that I don’t want to get better? That’s so damn selfish. My man, my family, my friends…they are all counting on me to do the work to take care of myself and all I want to do is flush my meds and stay sick. I’m obviously not thinking clearly. Which means that I need the meds more than ever.

I know what I need to do: keep taking my medication as prescribed. But that’s a tough task when all I want to do is toss all the pills in the trash.

How can I trick my mind into wanting to heal?

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