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I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about this, but since I talk to you all about everything else, why not be honest about this too?

I applied for permanent disability and SSI last month. They sent me 2 huge packets that I’m still struggling to complete, and 1 packet for a friend to complete. I’ve been overwhelmed and putting it off, but they HAVE to go out in tomorrow’s mail. I plan to use this morning to take a klonopin and fill everything out. My anxiety is ridiculously high right now, and has been for weeks. This paperwork is triggering major anxiety for me.

Because I was having so much anxiety, I contacted a law office that specializes in dealing with disability and SSI. The paralegal I met with was really nice, but she let me know that my case will be extremely difficult to win. We are looking at a 2.5 to 4 year process and she said that most likely I’ll lose my case. Honestly, it was discouraging. I haven’t worked in 2.5 years because my depressive episodes are lasting longer and are more intense than ever before. Why can’t anyone see this?

Even writing this post is difficult because just thinking about going back to work gives me panic attacks. So that’s where I’m at. About to turn 31 and unable to support myself. The doctor I had before could see that I was permanently disabled, but I lost my insurance when we were discussing me applying for disability and SSI. Then I didn’t have insurance for 1.5 years. Thanks to the Affordable Health Care Act, I have insurance again, but I’m starting from scratch with all new doctors and new meds. The process is slowly killing me.

I wish that mental illness was as obvious as physical illness. Nobody would say shit to me if I were in a hospital bed. I just don’t know what to do. The doctor who I really want to see is my mom’s doctor. He’s known me for 8.5 years, ever since I started managing my mom’s medications. He has seen me change. But he works at the County Dept of Behavioral Health. I tried to be seen there at the beginning of September, but I was turned away because I didn’t have enough suicide attempts or hospital stays. Yes, they really told me that during my evaluation. And I highly doubt that my current doctor will say that I’m permanently disabled. She doesn’t know me.

So that’s my predicament in a nutshell. I’m getting those papers completed today so that I can mail them off first thing tmrw. But I’m stressed out and extremely unhappy about it.