Sometimes I keep secrets from myself. Things I’m not ready to face or deal with. When I write, it all comes out. So I avoid writing because I don’t want to know. If I can avoid it, eventually it goes away. For a little while at least.
Right now I’m avoiding my journal. It’s a difficult place to be: avoiding what needs to be done. I can’t continue to live like this. But what can you do other than hide when you are terrified of your own mind?
Trouble is that you can only hide for so long. My heart wants to be healed. Wants to be whole. Something inside of me is calling upon me to take action. Bold action. There’s a part of me that is ready to heal and move forward. But that broken piece has been part of me for so long…I’m scared of what I might find if I go digging in a graveyard.
So that’s part of the reason why I haven’t been around. My intention at the beginning of the year, to love, write, and heal seems like a joke. As anyone who struggles with mental illness knows, the ups and downs are the only constant. For every up, there’s been a down. And for every down, a corresponding up. Thankfully, I’ve seen a lot of ups lately, but right this second I feel like I’m stuck in a downward spiral. More soon.