This weekend I was oddly lonely. Usually, when my family is gone and I have the house to myself, it’s a time to be happy and rejoice. This weekend, I didn’t feel like rejoicing at all.
In fact, all I wanted to do was numb out completely. I’ve been crying less, which makes me sad. It’s a release that I need. And now that I’m thinking about it, I’m on the verge of tears, so I guess that’s good.
Anyway, this weekend was full of numbing with pills and alcohol. I had 1 mangorita, so don’t get your panties in a bunch, it’s only 8% alcohol and I took a norco, which I have a prescription for. It was enough to take the edge off the weird loneliness and have a few hours of not feeling anything.
I may have taken more than 1 Norco. I can’t lie to you guys, you have probably done it before yourself so don’t even pretend like you have room to judge.
That was Saturday. On Sunday, I didn’t even know that my mom and sister were leaving. Thanks for the invite guys. Not. It’s not that I wanted to go. I would have said no anyway, but they leave me out of everything they do. Maybe because I ALWAYS say no? Lol, maybe, but still. I’m super sensitive right now and they (well my mom, since I never expect my sister to act like a decent human being) hurt my feelings.
I feel like a dumb ass teenager (no offense to the teens out there). But it’s like, really? You’re complaining that everyone is leaving you alone when every time they talk to you, you make it clear that you want to be left alone? Okay, because that makes perfect sense…
Anyway, I didn’t have any alcohol on Sunday so I took an extra Norco. I’m abusing my meds. There, I said it. But it’s mostly because the Norco doesn’t work for my back pain, but it does make me sleepy. Maybe I should quit with the Norco and get real sleeping pills. Prescription strength. But trazadone didn’t really work for me. I guess I’ll have to ask one of my many doctors.
Oh, and I ran out of klonopin this weekend and the pharmacy won’t fill my prescription until next weekend. How the fuck am I supposed to last an entire week and a half without my anxiety pills? Fuckers. Now I have to call my insurance company and put on my angry black woman voice and get shit done. I hate this. Maybe I’ll go the sympathy route this time and start crying on the phone. That might be more effective. Yes, I think I’ll try that.